Takeshi Asai's Japanese Newsletter - Romance and Marriage, Japanese Style

According to the statistics from the Ministry of Health in 1996, the numbers of couples who got divorced has doubled since 70s. Although the divorce rate in Japan is still moderate (24 %), compared to that of the U.S. (55%) and other developed countries like Great Britain (50%), it shows Japan is experiencing a significant change in social paradigm.

There are a couple of reasons behind the soaring divorce rate, but the major reason is the changing role of women in the family as a consequence of modernization (or westernization). Because they are gaining financial independence, some women no longer accept the traditional women�fs role that the society has required for years. According to tradition, when Japanese women got married, they were supposed to stay home, cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking, and taking care of their husbands. When the husband hosts the guests from work, the Japanese housewife stayed in the kitchen preparing almost ten-piece dishes by herself. They even used honorific forms when addressing their husbands and walk a few steps behind their �gshujin,�h which literally means master.

Another reason for the increased divorce rate is, interestingly, a decrease of �go-miai,�h or arranged marriage. Some statistics show that the couples who married by arrangement are much less likely to get divorced than the couples who married for love. Arranged marriage, so dominant in the past, now constitutes less than 20 percent of all marriages in Japan. O-miai, which literally means looking at each other, is rather similar to the blind date in America. The difference is parents take a couple of pictures of their beloved daughter, both in kimono and western style dress, and ask match-makers called �gnakoodo,�h go-between to find prospected future spouse. Parents and the go-between often make their attendance to the first meeting, then usually leave the young couple alone after the exchange of formal questions like �gwhat is your daughter�fs hobby?�h

The rest of the young people now seem to have some liberty to choose spouses out of love, but in Japanese way. An interesting phenomenon is great number of people find their spouses at the work place. Perhaps because working in Japan requires a lot of commitment, the young Japanese people find difficulties in getting socialized outside of the office. Some �goo-eru�h (OL, office lady) are wise enough to limit their dates to men who have �g3 (san) koo,�h three highs. What are the three highs? Koo-gakureki (highly-educated), koo-shuunyuu (high income) and koo-shinchoo (high-height). But for the most women, �g3 (san) meetoru kekkon�h or three meter marriage is what they get; they end up marrying to a man available in a three meter (10 feet) radius from the desk. (Offices in Japan, like most of houses, are tiny and crowded.)

The recent economic turmoil, however, added another dimension to the already changed idea for marriage (and divorce). Having gone through the harsh restructuring, people have found that women at work are not equally treated as men, which caused a quite disappointment for the women who pursued career as an alternative of marriage. Until the Japanese economy went bust in 1993, whether as a mean to escape from the traditional role of housewife or not, many women have pursued the career ladder just like some American women. (This is called Croissant Syndrome, named after the magazine published for the Japanese career women.) As a reaction to it, some of them have started realizing, with regret, marriage is an important thing. In the middle of the paradigm shift, it seems that young Japanese cannot find the form of marriage that works for everybody, just knowing that two extremes, croissant woman or traditional house wife, are no longer their options.

Speaking of the tradition, about one thousand years ago in the Heian period, Japanese did not have the marriage as we know of today. Instead they applied so-called kayoi-kon, commuting marriage. Heian noble men composed a romantic poem on a small piece of paper, and sneak into woman�fs house when his poem was accepted. History repeats itself. Perhaps some people have already found the ancient pattern of marriage works best for them. It�fs just that they use e-mail in lieu of a small piece of paper.

published as Japanese Monthly in 2000
edited by Marcia Allen

Sources:
1. Japanese magazine�fs topic: divorce by Jon Herskovitz, Reuoters, Copyright c 1997 The Seatle Times Company
2. The Asia Society�fs Video Letter from Japan: My Family, 1988, p.36-37
3. Divorce rate grows as taboos fade away, by Akemi Tsuzuki